Even More Things Not To Do At Hogwarts

1. I will not proclaim that there is significant resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul and declare them related.

2. I will not ask Lucius Malfoy if he's ever had any blond moments.

3. I will not replace dangerous plants in the greenhouses with Chia Pets.

4. I will not attempt to magically animate my Marshmallow Peeps.

5. I will not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have a Time Turner.

6. I will not sweep the Great Hall with broomsticks.

-6b. Having not done this, I will not claim that I was merely performing an act of community service.

7. I will not throw first years out the window and claim that they wanted freedom.

8. I will not present Umbridge with a bottle of flies, no matter how hungry she appears to be.

9. I will not offer to sell a pair of Inferi to Hollywood for the next Steven Spielberg movie.

10. I will not assert that the main Inferi habitat is the Dead Sea.

11. I will not attempt to perform the Imperius Curse on Peeves, or the Bloody Baron, and especially not both at once.

12. I will not tell Griphook I have put Gryffindor's sword up on eBay.

13. I will not advise Neville Longbottom to start a career as a magician.

14. I will not claim relation to Voldemort in any way and announce that I will continue his work.

15. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldy's Angels."

16. I will not tell first years that bubotubers are filled with honey.

17. I will not attempt to arrest Quidditch players for "flying under the influence."

18. I will not attempt to set up a satellite dish on the Astronomy Tower.

19. Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of Muggle firearms.

20. I will not mass produce copies of the Marauder's Map.

21. The fact that there are only three Unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable."

22. I will not start Kentucky Fried Owl as it is not a lucrative business opportunity.

23. I will not use Professor Trelawny's crystal balls for bowling.

24. I will not proclaim that Molly Weasley is the second leading cause of death in the UK.

25. I will not tickle a sleeping dragon under any circumstances.

And as a bonus, just a couple bad Harry Potter jokes:

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
You know…
You know who?
Correct! AVADA KEDAVRA! Your dead!

Did you hear about the wizard who was robbed in front of Gringotts yesterday?
Yeah, he completely lost his knuts.

Professor Trelawney: You will die, you will die, you will die, you will die.
Harry Potter: Professor, why are you repeating yourself?
Professor Trelawney: Why, I'm four-telling the future!

Hermione went to Madam Pomfrey with uncontrollable hiccups to see if she could do something to stop them. Madam Pomfrey examined her all over and then pronounced gravely, "I have news for you, Miss Granger. You're pregnant." At this, Hermione fainted on the spot, and when she finally came round a few minutes later she asked, "Oh, dear - am I really pregnant?" To which Madam Pomfrey replied, "Of course not! But it has cured your hiccups, hasn't it?"

Why didn't Voldemort go to the Yule Ball?
He had no body to go with.

If Rowling wrote a neat little summary of all the Harry Potter books, what would it be called?
"Harry Potter and the Half-Deathly Order of the Secret Azkaban Fire Stone."